Quick, think of a movie-related video game that you’ve actually liked. I’ll wait…

Yeah, none. So who keeps buying this shit? If this weeks’ new DS downloads on the Nintendo Channel are any indication, it’s got to be little kids haggling with their parents for this shovelware. Time to unleash haiku fury. But first, a little genuine old-school excitement:

Contra 4: Contra FUCKING Four!/The Code doesn’t work at all/I got my ass kicked

The Incredible Hulk: Hulk mad, Hulk smash you/Right after Hulk smash this ice/And stupid soldiers

Kung Fu Panda: Say this with me now/Stylus action controls suck/No damn exceptions

Wall-E: Wee garbage robot/Makes blocks of explosive trash/And bores me to death